10/29/09

I like songs about drifters, books about the
same. They've always seemed to make me
feel a little less insane.

Pain beats regret every day of the week and twice on Sunday.

Lose everything and find yourself.

It's been tested by research, that he who
fucks a nun will later join the church..

And now you're in his house, that's the size of a mall.
I've never seen a grand piano look so fucking small.
You know, probably one of the many things that are
small about him too.

No one deserves to be treated that way. So even if
you love with your entire heart, every fiber of your
being, with so much passion that it hurts to think
about it, you need to forget what you want and
remember what you deserve.

You don't recover from a night like this. A victim,
still lying in bed, completely motionless. A hand
moves in the dark to a zipper, hear a boy bracing
tight against sheets barely whispers, "this is so
messed up."'

You tell me, what does it get you if you can
square root a triangle and then some terrorist
shoots you in the head?

anxiety destroys us but it drives the common man

I should tell you now it's all I've got and please
stick around, I'll make you fall in love with me.

You'll never know how strong you are until
being strong is the only choice you have.

and all those white lines that sped
us up, we hurried to our death

I think I should know how to make love to something
innocent without leaving my fingerprints out. Now,
l-o-v-e's just another word I never learned to pronounce.
How do I say I'm sorry, cause the word is just never
going to come out.

I never asked for it to be over. Then again, I never asked
for it to begin. That's the way it is with life, some of the most
beautiful days come completely by chance. But even the most
beautiful days have their sunsets.

When we were young the future was so bright, the old
neighborhood was so alive and every kid on the whole
damn street was gonna make it big and not be beat.
Now the neighborhood's cracked and torn, the kids are
grown up but their lives are worn. How can one little street
swallow so many lives?

You know I'm really okay and the gun in my hand
will tell you the same but when I'm in my car, don't
give me any crap, cause the slightest thing
and I just might snap.

I faintly remember breathing on your
bedroom floor, where I laid and told you,
but you swear you loved me more.

10/22/09

Did I really love or was I addicted to the pain,
the exquisite pain, of wanting someone so
unattainable and just like that I untied myself,
and I was free but there was nothing exquisite
about it.

It's like the hidden secret that no one tells
you. We can all be beautiful girls. It's like
Dorothy clicking her heels to go home.
You could do it all along.

I find the map and draw a straight line over rivers,
farms, and state lines. The distance from A to where
you'd 'B' It's only finger-lengths that I see.

In that moment, I felt my heart break and I thought,
"I can't live without you. I don't want to live without you,"
and then it slowly crept into my mind that no matter how
bad I wanted or needed you, it wouldn't matter. Somehow,
and very painfully I was sure, my life would continue.
With or without you, right?

There's nothing lonelier than being angry
at someone who's indifferent to your anger.

Sometimes I wondered if I was seeing the same
things through my eyes that the rest of the world
was seeing through theirs. Maybe there was
a glitch in my brain.

I guess I just got hurt, really hurt.
and sometimes, when that happens,
something inside just shuts off.

The other day I noticed how beautiful the
sky was and then I realized it's because
you are up there.

please forgive my negligence, i'd
rather see you in the past tense.

All the books you started reading, all the boys you
started seeing, every half completed sentiment that
you always meant to say, gets stuck inside a memory,
like a miracle unfinished and you only feel like going
back to where there's no place to stay.

Pass me a beer or pass me a bong cause I've been
sober for way too long. Give me a line or give me a hit.
I gotta get it or I'll rage into a fit.

well, if i end up in your arms, i promise its just
pure coincidence. dont be shy though, i can
keep a good secret.

Cause we like having fun at other peoples expense
and cutting people down is just a minor offense then
It's none of your concern, I guess I'll never learn.
I'm sick of being told to wait my turn.

I wanna be bigger than Jesus and bigger than wrestling.
Bigger than the Beatles and bigger than breast implants.
I'm gonna be the biggest thing to hit these little kids.
Bigger than guns, better than cigarettes.

I think it's important to take the time to tell the people you
love how much you love them while they can hear you.

do you remember what you told me once?
that every passing minute is another chance
to turn it all around.

If we discovered that we had only five minutes left
to say all that we wanted to say, every telephone
booth would be occupied by people calling other
people to stammer that they loved them.

remember that people love in different ways.

"But let's face it. No one really cares for you unless you're dying.
Unless they know they're never going to see you again, they don't
care for you. I wish I was dying."

Girl you must be out your alcoholic
mind like I fucking sit around and
think about you all the time.

This is what I know about love, that it is tested everyday
and what is not renewed is lost. One either chooses to
care more or to care less. Once the choice is to care less,
then there is no stopping the momentum of goodbye.

I don't want to see you anymore, I'm just not that strong.
I love it when you're here, but I'm better when you're gone.

Pardon me while I throw up. I guess some people never
grow up. What happened to the salvation you claimed?
It breaks my heart to see how much you've changed.

You're just like your dad. Surprise! You don't only
share his eyes, it's the drink that's in your hand and
that knack for telling awful lies. Why am I always right?

"When I fell to the floor tonight, I was so scared, I was so
terrified. Then I saw you and I promise myself that if I could
just get up, I'd walk over to you. I'd tell you how much I need
you and how much I want you and how nothing else matters."

The rain seems to trigger something inside of me - a memory
that I thought I'd lost forever. A night filled with freedom, long,
long ago. When I danced the night away in the streets and
nobody bothered telling me to come inside. I believe that was
the last night I ever truly felt alive.

And violets are blue, roses are red, daisies are yellow,
the flowers are dead. Wish I can give you this feeling,
I feel like buying and if my dealer don't have no more,
then I feel like dying.

I think that I've lost all of my feelings. No, I think
it's you that lost all of the meaning. When the world
turned around and around, yeah, the love that we
found has gone drifting away.

I'm trying to help her, but I never seem
to have quite enough of what she needs,
dismay or ecstasy, arrogance, humility.

"You try and tell me how it all happened and what it all
meant. Go ahead, because I don't understand any of it
and I don't think I ever will. Go ahead and tell me: what
did any of it really mean?"

There's love enough in this world for
everybody, if people will just look.

I wanted all things to seem to make some sense, so we
could all be happy, yes, instead of tense and I made up
lies, so they all fit nice, and I made this sad world a paradise.

We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly,
laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late,
get up too tired, read too little, watch TV too much and pray
too seldom. We have multiplied our possessions but reduced
our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often.

I'd rather do half as much with twice as much passion,
say half as much with twice as much meaning.

Nothing. Nothing is wrong. And asking is against the rules.
Crying is against the rules. You're strong, don't let them break
you. They're trying to destroy you.

Cause I make little lies and then I pull them apart.
Think something dark's living down in my heart and
if I wanted to die before I got old, I should've started
some years ago digging that hole.

We're all lonely and scared. We all have problems.
Big ones. We all love someone way too fucking much.

I have nobody. Everybody that I thought was remotely
close to me has left. I spend days alone. There are people
next to me, living, breathing, but I feel no connection.
They don't understand. We all feel nothing.

In cases where everything is understood
and measured and reduced to rule, love is
out of the question.

And at some point, I'll call you and tell you I miss you
and tell you, you are the point of my day and my face
will get flushed and my throat will choke up when you
tell me that you feel the same.

I don't have the heart to hurt you, that's the last thing I want to do
but I don't have the heart to love you, not the way you want me to.

Everyone will come, everyone will come to
my funeral to make sure that I stay dead.

I'd never made myself quite so vulnerable before.
I tried to banish the reflex reaction that told me
I was unwanted and unwantable.

So can you do me a favor? If I pull it together,
make it sooner than later. We won't be here
forever and I'll realize I waited too long but
please don't move on.

I just want back in your head, I'm not unfaithful
but I'll stray when I get a little scared.

Now you ask me to explain myself and I tell you I need
distance. You say, to hell with distance, remember who
you're talking to. I say, closeness is too much for me
and dismiss you with a smile. You say, wish away your
closeness and imagine it's a mile.

And I'm glad you got away, but I'm still stuck out here.
My clothes are soaking wet from your brother's tears.

I got a hand, so I got a fist. So I got a plan, it's the
best I can do. Now we'll say it's in God's hands, but
God doesn't always have the best goddamn plans,
does he?

Overdose was a success, humiliation was too great.
Now with your estate foreclosed, you will surely lose
your head. Was in a bad place when you punched
your supervisor in the throat, an inadvertent fatal blow,
were the words your lawyer used on the unsympathetic
judge, who was having a bad day, so he threw your life
away. Is faith still comforting you?

10/15/09

I've figured out my situation. I am an endless source of
useless information. Give me bad news cause it's already
been expected. I let my front down and I know I will regret it.

Why bother? It's gonna hurt me. It's gonna kill
when you desert me. This happened to me twice
before. It won't happen to me anymore.

This is how it works, you're young until you're not, you
love until you don't, you try until you can't, you laugh until
you cry, you cry until you laugh and everyone must breathe
until their dying breath. No, this is how it works. You peer
inside yourself, you take the things you like and try to love
the things you took and then you take that love you made
and stick it into someone else's heart, pumping someone
else's blood and walking arm in arm. You hope it don't get
harmed, but even if it does, you'll just do it all again.

A piano might fall on your head but it also might
not and in the meantime you never know, something
nice might happen.

I think I should know how to make love to something
innocent without leaving my fingerprints out. Now,
l-o-v-e's just another word I never learned to pronounce.
How do I say I'm sorry, cause the word is just never going
to come out.

Someone's gonna fall in love in here tonight,
someone's gonna let their guard down one last
time. Maybe they once locked eyes, perhaps
they just decide, but someone's gonna fall in
love in here tonight.

Well it seems to me you're acting a little off,
is something on your mind? Maybe something's
on your conscience.

The more you think about it, the more power you give it.
Remember what happened but know that you cannot move
forward while looking backwards.

Breakfast of two valium and the rest of them rattling
in your pocket, walking down the street to your work.
Won't answer the door without looking out the bedroom
window first.

I was surprised that you seemed to understand
that you might never love someone as hard as
you had the first time you'd fall in love. I was even
more surprised to learn that maybe you could.

I wanted the hard, disgusting, saddening, and empowering
truth. The kind of truth that makes you seem like a lunatic to
people. The truth that keeps you heavily dosed on some sort
of narcotic so you don't lose your sanity.

I don't want to get over you. I guess I could take a sleeping
pill and sleep at will, and not have to go through what I go
through. I guess I should take Prozac, right, and just smile
all night at somebody new. Somebody not too bright but sweet
and kind, who would try to get you off my mind. I could leave t
his agony behind, which is just what I'd do if I wanted to but
I don't want to get over you.

My heartbeat beats me senselessly. Why's
everything got to be so intense with me? I'm
trying to handle all this unpredictability.

You can't save people
you can only love them.

At what age can I choose how to live? The only real drug
problem is scoring real good drugs. Haven't we learned our
lesson? the corner store has the finest scotch but who's got
the uncut powder? We just want what is ours: dignity. If God
created plants and buds that I find and abuse, then who the
fuck are you to judge me?

As long as we're alive, it's nothing more than a bad day.

stress can breed a psychopath
you're all that calms me down

You don't need to know that up until I met him,
my life's goal was self preservation and that when
I met him, self preservation was genuinely lonely.

I know what it does to you, I know. Maybe
that's why we hold on as hard as we do. We
just can't believe that such a miracle can
happen to us twice. But it can, someday
you'll find it again.

she takes pot to come down, yeah, coke for the
confidence. all kinds of pills if she had the money,
she would get 'em. huffing for a challenge, acid for
the love of it and, and, and, and, and drinking just
for fun.

"You have to forget what other people say, when
you're supposed to die, or when you're supposed
to be loving. You have to forget about these things.
You have to go on and be crazy. Craziness is like
heaven." - Jimi Hendrix

"It's okay," a voice says. "We all look elsewhere."
It's true that I look elsewhere for you.

I heard that you were home again, but you don't look
like you're back to me. With your focuses changing,
your gaze is transfixed on a point that I can't often see.

"I start to get the feeling that something is really wrong.
Like all the drugs put together can no longer combat
whatever it is that was wrong with me in the first place.
I feel like a defective model, like I came off the assembly
line flat-out fucked and my parents should have taken me
back for repairs before the warranty ran out."

The truly painful goodbyes are the ones
that are never said, and never explained.

I've learned that I'm miserable because I can be,
I'm happy when it suits me and I'm lonely because
I choose to be.